Making Me a Non Negotiable

I am absolutely the last person you want to take lifestyle advice from. I am not what you would consider a fully functioning adult. Heck my goal is to become a “I can manage this” adult. I know big dreams there Boblin, slow down you might hurt yourself. As I sit here writing this, I realized I have already implemented this idea in my life in a few ways the catch; there’s always a catch. My needs were tied to something I thought was more important ‘then myself; therefore I didn’t see it as taking care of me. Do I hate myself that much, that’s a conversation my therapist and I will be having. Yes, I have one; fabulous been seeing them for years. Make therapy a priority, don’t use your friends as a therapist. Let them be your friend, once I started regularly seeing a therapist all my relationships improved. Who would have thought the person trained and schooled is 100% more unbiased and maybe I am reaching here qualified to therpapize (I am making up words) you.

Back to the post at hand; turns out making take care of myself a non negotiable is something I absolutely fail at. Except medication compliance; which with someone with my goblin brain is shockingly good at. I wasn’t at first but I put it in the routine after taking care of my animals and all of them including FootFoot would get upset if I didn’t do the whole routine. I don’t know where they get these neurotic tendencies, our current furry overloads have added their own touches to the bedtime routine. I promise I will break down the whole over the top multi step bedtime routine in another post. Current residents get aggressive if we try to go to bed at the wrong time. Yes I take meds that need food; I eat a protein rich snack at bedtime. I may not be the thinnest I can be but I found a system that works (like almost a decade of success here.) so me and my bedtime snack will stay.

So I realized that if I want to become the best Boblin; I have to make Boblin a non negotiable. Over winter break (everyone else in my house had like 13 days off) I really took the time to think about how I could be better at this life bullshit.

One of the first things I realized is that if I consumed fuel for my body regularly instead of waiting until I was an angry over hungry beast. I bet it would help my mood regulate. The egg is on my face. I have eaten breakfast for the past ten days; made an effort to eat lunch regularly. And I am already seeing results. I really didn’t want all those crunchy insta moms to be right 💀, I still drink my one cup of coffee but it is after I eat now. Oh and I am giving up coffee creamer (because I left my creamer on the counter and I do this far to often. I am tired of throwing away half used containers of creamer. It isn’t for health reasons, it is because I am lazy.) I eat some variation of the same thing, will until forever. Because I hate breakfast, and the idea of making that many choices first thing in the morning is too overwhelming. I eat two pieces of toast with a spread, and something on top of it. (Example: sourdough toast {store bought, because I can barely keep myself alive. I am not adding more} cream cheese, avocado cup (I buy them in bulk at Sam’s), and a piece of chookie board meat (I literally buy one of the fancy board packs of meats separate them and freeze the ones until I need them). I am no dietitian but it is better then a cup of coffee full of coffee mate and flavored syrup. I will follow up in a bit to see how this goes but 10 days in seen enough changes to make me eat breakfast the next day. I try to drink water with my food every morning. Will I be 365/365 probably not but my goal is never go have two days in a row where I don’t eat regularly.

If you have been around me on the internet for the past decade you know I was pretty heavy into to pretty paper planning. And then 2020 happened and I just couldn’t anymore. I don’t really miss the pretty planning but I did miss aspects. So my notes app my look like a squirrel at a rave went wild but ten days in I am getting so much more done everyday. I hate how every post about getting your life together talks about planning the day the night before; because they are right 🙄. As part of the multi step process of going to bed; we break a million sleep rules by watching a show in bed. While that show is on; in my notes app. I loosely map out how I would like my day go. I also pick what I want to wear putting it in the note. The less decisions I have to make to keep moving forward turns out everything doesn’t come to a screeching halt. So I try making as many choices as I can; I know this sounds dumb. It might be; but it works for my personal hell of neurodivergence. Also have other notes of stuff I want to get done in the foreseeable future to reference.

I know the next part comes from a place of privilege because I am able to take myself and my family to all these appointments. I have not had an inpatient visit for therapy since 2020, my appt time is first thing in the morning. I usually drink my coffee and have therapy. One of my kids has an after workday appt time; so both my spouse and alternate taking them. They do better with in person but if we need to both of theirs can be Telehealth also. Everyone in my house respects the privacy of those who is in session, I know not everyone has that safety or option.

I briefly talked about this in the beginning; taking care of my mental health. This did not come naturally; I actually thought it was selfish and I was taking money away from my very tight family budget at first. 2012 a decade this coming March. I ended up inpatient when my youngest was 6 months old. So I didn’t start this journey until I was circling the drain. Now in 2023, 3/4 of are in therapy (because they ask to go; one took a long break and then this fall asked to go back). It is a line item in our budget; our insurance is through the marketplace but I did a ton of digging and therapy copay is extremely low. Our insurance premiums have risen since we got this plan in 2017; it isn’t the Land Rover of policies but our meds and mental healthcare copays are low; which is what we use the most. Sometimes there is a lot of legwork in the beginning of this journey. And if you need help and don’t have all the sporks to do it at once. Break it down; it to manageable bites. It might take a few practices to find a mental health providers to find the right fit. That is okay, sometimes staying with a care team even when you know it is a bad fit so you don’t loose access to meds is okay too. I have done it; I stayed with a provider for too long because the idea of jumping through all the hoops was too much. Sometimes just being consistent is enough, this is more for psychiatrists (if a therapist doesn’t work. Find another as soon as you can, it may take a few sessions to figure out you aren’t vibing). It may feel selfish but bettering yourself is never selfish and always worth it. I don’t do weekly therapy; I go biweekly in a perfect world. In reality between our two schedules; it averages out to one-two times a month. I have been stable enough to go to the psychiatrist once every 90 days. They have wanted to extend to once every six months but i personally don’t feel that stable yet. The hormone changes of perimenopause and pmdd are a beast to figure out. I will say we made sacrifices to make this happen; a decade ago I would’ve said oh my can skip this stuff if the budget needed tighter. It took time to realize that I am a much more pleasant person when I make my mental health a nonnegotiable. My children’s is mental is also a nonnegotiable, I want them to have the tools and be equipped for the things that this life my throw at them then I was. And if that means we don’t take fancy trips, drive newest cars; that’s okay. I had parents obsessed with what the world saw; I want my kids to love themselves and all that comes with it. I will add from 2013-2016 we had one car and my husband was active duty, it wasn’t easy but my cheerleader husband was like you deserve to live a life where you don’t hate yourself. Yes this is a lot of appointments but years ago I realized if we cancel them we are hurting ourself. This is so much easier since both my psych and therapist are Telehealth. I saw them for years in person before 2020 happened and both are completely comfortable with us staying telemedicine for now. If that changes, I will probably complain but we make the appointment as we are leaving the current appointment. As soon as it is scheduled it becomes a non negotiable time on the calendar; like cancel other plans to be at the doctor. This is probably the first thing that became nonnegotiable in my life and will remain there. My inner circle know when I am slipping here and don’t hesitate to tell me “whens the last time you went to therapy” if things are really off “I think you should probably try to get in with your psych”. This hurt when people said this at first but my circle is full of people who are TEAM BOBLIN; this took time. None of these people say this ever as a weapon or to be mean. It is always out of noticing I am a storm cloud instead of a rain cloud,

I haven’t always been good at making myself non negotiable. I really sucked at it when my kids were really small. And slowly I realized when I put my oxygen mask on myself first. It was easier to tackle what life threw at me. I wasn’t a terror to be around; because I didn’t hate everyone and everything all the time. I still dislike myself most of the time still; I am working on that. I find the rest of the world tolerable now. What can I say; I am not a rose colored glasses goblin. It may take time, there will be times where it feels like you are burdening others by taking care of yourself. I promise you are worth it (as I say to myself).

2023 The Year Consumerism and I went on a Break

2022 saw the year where I started realizing how easy it is to fall in the trap of the world and “Oh look shiny thing” let’s buy the shiny thing. Maybe you don’t but me and my goblin (adhd) brain do. This is a long up hill battle for me the grab happy goblin. I got lost a few times, fell back a couple more. Which means I bought more crap I didn’t need and in reality other then a quick dopamine hit; I didn’t really want. Was all of it ultimately useless no, none of it was life changing; some was useful. Not a 100% loss and waste but reality hitting me over the head of how being overwhelmed in a house full of stuff. Stuff that no one other then me wants; if something were to happen to me would be a burden to my family and friends to take care of (save it, I am fine. I am a realist that nobody is gonna want my stuff and it is a lot of stuff to burden someone with. I never want to be a burden.) is always hanging over my shoulder. The what if’s of where we could be if I could I didn’t struggle with this; I would dance around the term shopping addict. I know this is not seen as an addiction but let me tell you it is just one of many socially acceptable addictions; that if we all looked too close we would get a harsh reality none of us want.

I didn’t want to see it and admit; now what am I going to do help myself break this cycle of addiction. When shopping isn’t something that you can cold turkey quit. I have talked about this before; I know what makes now different? What makes the time that it finally clicks different we never know, I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me. Sometimes it is hard to make myself believe in myself that I can change. I know I am possible of change; me being here writing this here in the year 2023 is because of change. I know in reality that the small changes is what in total will make the big change possible. I have been thinking about this heavily all last week. How do I want make changes?

  • Take a picture (add it to a wishlist) and walk away from things I want to purchase (Review the list once every 30 days. Removing things that were dopamine chasers, wait another 30 days or until savings goal met to purchase any remaining.
  • No buying t-shirts (outside of a Metallica concert tee in August at the show)
  • No Shoes (Outside of maybe new work shoes and a pair of freebird boots that i am saving for)
  • If there is something I want save and buy the actual item instead of trying to dupe and spending more trying to find the “right” dupe.
  • No make up or hair care unless replacing something
  • No fragrance (make a list if I use it and up and want to replace it when I have used up most of my excessive perfume collecetion)
  • If I do replace something let go of the thing that is being replaced (there is no need to hold onto the old)
  • Keep editing my wardrobe/style to only contain items I love.
  • It is okay to not have the same style as everyone else; I am myself and I am enough.
  • No home decor (outside of a drum lampshade for my vintage lamp.

Ultimately this is the year of less; letting things go, bringing less in. I want to end up living more with less stuff and more connection with myself.

The Decade that Changed my Life

2022 is the year that I changed my life. I will admit that for the majority of my life I secretly wondered, if I would ever dig out of the dark cave I was in. I hope to never fully go back, do I assume I have full escaped no. That is the gift that is mental illness, it never goes away. It ebbs and flows. I feel like I can easily fall into the dark, it is comfortable in the way you know how it is gonna feel and doesn’t take a ton of maintenance. This change has been a decade in the making, don’t think I woke up one day and was like things gonna change. It has taken till recently for me to realize change comes with time and not in one choice but in a million little choices. It has been little choices to become a better me since I asked for help in March 2012. Am I a fully functioning adult to American standards; probably not even close; don’t care I am becoming whole after being merely a shadow. There have been pivotable moments in this past decade looking back; that March day in 2012, Aug 2017, all of 2018, Dec 26, 2021. Those moments are very different some heartbreaking and some so bright they were blinding. I am so grateful for the friends that have stayed for the ride; I hope you stay for a while longer. If not I promise our time together helped shape the person that is here today. This time a decade ago we were about to start our journey as a military family, I don’t look back fondly as that time as a whole. It was the start of the little changes, the military made it possible to start the deep dive into why; why I fought happiness so much. The answers were not easy; to find or accept. I faced them. Keep facing them as more come out of the dark. I am bound and determine to not let the darkness swallow me whole, like it has been my whole life. Do I know how this fight will end, no but everyday I am here that is a day I am winning. I am alive sometimes with just sheer Spite the darkness and sometimes spite alone is enough. Hopeful the next decade, I can focus my spite elsewhere.

Hits and Misses: Week of 10/9

Let’s start with the big miss of the week. Halloween Ends, I will go more in depth about this on this weeks episode of Awkward Club. It is just bad, in my humble opinion. Open for discussion.

Hits there are a few and mostly media based.

We finished “What We Do In The Shadows”, we watched all 4 seasons in like week 10 days. We would watch 3 episodes a night. It is a 22 minute show which is a breathe of fresh hair with all the hour long shows currently. If you liked the movie or like dark comedy this is a must watch.

“Don’t Worry Darling” if you like “The Stepford Wives” either the book or the 2004 remake. I am ashamed to say I haven’t seen the original. You will more then like enjoy this movie. I personally enjoyed the setting a ton, I am a sucker for mid century modern.

We finally started “Letterkenny” and with in 30 seconds I was hooked. We watch most things with subtitles but subtitles were a must. If you don’t like cursing or potty humor, skip this. We max out at two episodes, can’t do three at a time.

I am here to entertain myself with my style. One of the easiest ways to add some 🤌 to most outfits is a fun pair of tights. My preferred brand is Snag Tights, they ship out of the UK. So I typically wait and do one maybe two big orders a year. They hold up well, still wearing tights from two years ago.

One last thing I have been stuck on this playlist on Spotify this week. It is made by me and has a bit of everything I like on it. So be warned.

Catch me on Wednesday for the Relaunch of Awkward Club everywhere you listen to podcasts or YouTube.

Smell Good for Less

Since I can remember I have loved perfume, lotions, and all the smell good mumbo jumbo. I had Baby Soft in elementary school. I consume a lot of beauty influencer content, I watch more youtube than any other media. I was watching Kelly Gooch on Youtube and she was talking about a dupe for a bougie bogie scent. Well when I googled it, it was $22 at Target (the day I ordered had a circle offer for 15% off), so I placed a drive up order. Two hours later I was the proud owner of Pacifica Neon Moon and down a rabbit hole. I will admit I blind buy most of my fragrances, I read scent stories and reviews. Places like Ulta and Sephora have generous return policies. I loved Pacifica Neon Moon so much that I wanted to know if there was a lotion, there is but it is an ulta exclusive. I stopped buying lotion other than my tried and true Hempz lotion during 2020, so the fact that I wanted a layering lotion of this says a lot about this fragrance. When I got to Ulta, Pacifica was buy one get one 40% off. So I started sniffing the other moon mood series scents, while I personally would not wear all of them. I bought Sunrise Moon, while Flower Moon was a strong contender. Before this my only experience with their fragrance was a roll called Indian Coconut Nectar and that was a horrible fail that I returned. I assume it was the vetiver note that turned my nose. I also left that day with the Pacifica Hardcore Happy (Vanilla and Coconut). The perfumes retail full price for $22 and seems to be with some googling can be found on sale somewhere always. My only real complaint about the all of the Pacifica scents is that they don’t come with lids to protect the sprayer. I imagine that cuts down on cost but I would pay a few dollars more to have a lid. It may not be a make or break for you personally. If you love fragrance and are looking for some that don’t break the bank and easily purchased. I would look at the Pacifica fragrances.

What Now?

I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.

The Friendship and Adventures of Siobhan and TootToot 12

If your new to this story and would like to start at the beginning.

These post will be written by the player who plays Siobhan, at the point that these started these characters had been playing together for 2 years. They are no longer being actively used in our campaign. They are still doing stuff behind the scenes. There has been a ten year time jump in our campaign since these have been written. Nothing TootToot does majorly is done with out discussing with me; lets be honest though most of our party knows what TootToot is going to do before he does. This series is long, be prepared. Also it will reveal a lot of TootToot’s backstory that he hasn’t shared with others before and Some of Siobhan’s. Yes; believe it or not my party had been playing with me for two years before I revealed TootToot’s backstory. Hard to believe, I know.

Please click on the two the bottom of the page to continue onto the story.

The Friendship and Adventure of Siobhan and TootToot 11

If your new to this story and would like to start at the beginning.

These post will be written by the player who plays Siobhan, at the point that these started these characters had been playing together for 2 years. They are no longer being actively used in our campaign. They are still doing stuff behind the scenes. There has been a ten year time jump in our campaign since these have been written. Nothing TootToot does majorly is done with out discussing with me; lets be honest though most of our party knows what TootToot is going to do before he does. This series is long, be prepared. Also it will reveal a lot of TootToot’s backstory that he hasn’t shared with others before and Some of Siobhan’s. Yes; believe it or not my party had been playing with me for two years before I revealed TootToot’s backstory. Hard to believe, I know.

Please click on the two the bottom of the page to continue onto the story.

My not so secret, Secret.

I am one of those Planner Girls, that are all over social media. Though I have had a planner since the fall of 1997. I was hooked even back then. I have fallen off the planning train a few times, I have been firmly back on the train since around 2013. Then I found out about Pretty Planning in 2015 there has been no going back. In 2016 I found about Planning Facebook Groups and it has been a wild ride since then. I have tried all most sizes of ring bound and just a couple of travelers notebooks. I like A5 ringed planners, I can’t do any other size in ringed planners. I tried to love TN’s for planning, I have a lot of B6 covers (my personal favorite size). I just prefer them for notebooks and not planning. Since 2016 I have used an Erin Condren Life Planner as my everyday planner. I just love the size and the coil, the problem with ring bound planners for me is that I can customize it to death. And then the actual planning gets lost, don’t get me wrong. I decorate my erin condren but I can’t keep adding and adding. I know there are coil clips, I have some but I mean it isn’t like a ring bound planner. Which is like here is a blank canvas go to town and then sometimes I forget that it is supposed to be a planner. I guess this long winded post is to say, I have decided to stop cluttering up my main Instagram feed with all my planner stuff (lets be honest if I posted about it as much as I wanted to it would be a lot) to say I started an planner Instagram. I am not alone this planner Instagram is a thing. If you would like to follow my planner madness, I am AwkwardPlans.

Turns out I was a cat person all along

The whole time we had FootFoot I had one friend who insists that I was a cat person with a dog (who was more cat like then dog). I was like no, no, no; I have always had dogs. I will always have dogs. And then 2 years ago we lost our beloved FootFoot and I tried to replace her too quickly with a dog that didn’t work out (long story). Then on our local mom’s page someone posted a picture of a 9 month old kitten that needed to be an only cat. Well I was why not try a cat? It was remarkable how fast I “became” a cat person. And recently thinking about it, FootFoot had a lot of cat mannerisms. While I type this no less then 3 times has he come in to “yell” at me about something. He is so full of personality; he fits in here perfectly. So I think my friend may have been right and I was a cat person all along who just had dogs and didn’t know differently. So this post is to say,” Kari, you were right.”

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