I am still here.

I am still here, I am trying to get a normal. Trying to figure the new normal. I am working on a post about resources available when needed along with some other things. Life has handed us some lemons, I am going to make the most of it. My getting help put a strain on our already tight budget. So I would like to remind those who are interested that I sell:

Thirty-One is bags, acessories, etc. Most everythign can pe personilized if that’s your bag.


Also I sell Beach Body and Shakeology (ie: P90x, Insanity, etc):


Please feel free to take a look and order anything you like. Don’t be afraid to ask me a question, or host a Thirty-One party.

I am also starting to sell ads on here, please contact me for more information.

I am hoping in the next couple of days to get the resources post up and to try to get back to normal posting.


What I Wore Wednesday 3

I wrote this on tuesday since today the fourth is my birthday and will be linking as soon as I remember.

It was a good week over all in the getting dressed department here. I am so upset at myself I forgot to take a picture of what I wore to church on Sunday it was super cute, oh well. Unlike a couple of weeks ago, it is more then one outfit in different configurations.

I started last Wednesday my first day of freedom post my little trip to the mental hospital with the best accessory ever and a cute spring outfit.

Shirt: Gap
Skirt: Old Navy (shopped out of a friends closet)
Baby Carrier: Ergo (birthday gift)
Baby: My Womb
Cookie: Best Cookie ever. Bread Winners

Dress: Converse One Star (Target)
Necklace: Tardis Necklace (Time Machine Jewelry)
Lipstick: Mac
Hair: God Given
Glasses: Won in a Blog giveaway think eye buy direct.com

Soccer Mom Chic
Hat: Gift In College
Glasses: Target
Shirt: Thrifted
Jeans: Gap
Necklace: Montana Silver Smith’s

Home Improvement Chic
To keep it real I spent most of friday and saturday in comfy clothes painting, I will post what I have been working on in the next couple days on When did I go from a kid to a grown up?



Everything linked above I bought with my husband’s hard earned money. I link because I love the products these companies and the products that they make.

I am linking up with
pleated poppy

The Colors fade

I am the type of girl who heals when life, begins to return to normally. Today let the healing begin, Casey returned to work. Ian and I were left alone for the first time in almost a week. I thought it would be tough to be left alone, it was the opposite it was in a moment today when playing that I realized that returning to normal was what I need. I got so many calls yesterday and today asking me to go and do with friends and family. I told them all that I needed to stay home with Ian today, he needed it as much as I did. I swear when he woke up this morning, he breathed a sigh of relief to see we were alone. We had breakfast played and napped just like any other day. Who knows what tomorrow will hold for us, for me but one day at a time is the motto.
My Dad is coming to go to lunch with Ian and I tomorrow that isn’t normal, in the 3 years we have lived in this area I can count on one hand the number of times he has been out here(that is okay with me my home is never up to his standards). I am glad he is coming to visit Ian loves his Pop and doesn’t see him enough(I love my Daddy and don’t get to see him enough). So as time marches on and the pain lessens (the memories fade from bright red that it is today to a more manageable shade of grey.)

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Anger and lots of it

To my family and those easily offend I curse a lot in this post. It is full of raw emotions. So Aunt Doll I love you but stop reading if you don’t want to see my pain.

This past 5 days has kicked my ass in a way it hasn’t been kicked since the end of 2002 . I seriously haven’t felt so much anger in so long, all I want to is scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. After everything that went down Friday, I also learned that we lost the baby a month ago (WHAT THE FUCK BODY!). I shouldn’t even start on my FUCKING HORRID er experience(DO NOT GO TO BAYLOR DOWNTOWN’S ER). After waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours I was ushered into a room, had an exam blood drawn and then sent to another DAMN waiting room. Where I waited for an hour for a sonogram, where I met the worlds rudest and most inept tech. he made me insert my own trans-vaginal wand(twice he said i did it wrong the first time). He was rough and short with me, when he called a Dr. in to confirm what he saw the dumbass Dr. came in and bluntly with no care or sympathy I am here to confirm he saw no heartbeat (did he sick the class on bedside manner in med school, dumbass. I feel like Red Foreman writing a blog post. After they tell me my baby is dead, they then send me back to a waiting room(I was alone during all of this they wouldn’t let Casey in the sonogram room with me, Fucking Dumbasses). I tell him the news and then find out they want me to sit there another 2-3 hrs to talk to a hospital OB, that is going to do nothing but tell me to follow up with my DR. on Monday. I said Fuck no and left AMA(Against Medical Advice). I couldn’t sit in a waiting room for another fucking large chunk of time, I wanted to go home and wake up Ian and love on him. Luckily he was with Aunt Abby and Sarah who love him dearly. We left came home I woke up my teenager in a toddler body and loved on him like I hadn’t done before.
Saturday was it’s own nightmare, I had to tell family and friends what was going on. With each new person told, I had to relive the night before in all of its fucking glory. I had to tell them we didn’t really know anything and wouldn’t until I got to see a doctor. Sunday I took some time for myself went with a friend got a pedicure and a drink (I needed it at that point). I went to bed that night thinking and praying the doctor would help me get this nightmare over.
Boy was I WRONG, Monday was its own brand of Hell and Cluster Fuck all mixed into one. Between the damn Birth Center taking its own fucking sweet time get back with the Dr.’s office I would even be seen till Tuesday. Multiply times I had told both the DR.’s office and BC that I already have depression and anxiety issues to please not draw this out (I swear sawing that made them fucking drag their feet even more). When I finally got in yesterday, after waiting over an hour in the waiting room full of pregnant women (what idiot nurse does that when you look at my chart you can see what I am going through and all the read flags of anxiety and depression issues). After making an Ass of myself they put me in a room to wait(thank goodness), finally I got see a doctor she talked with me and told me she would rather wait it out. That is when I put my foot down and said that wasn’t an option unless they want me to end up at the funny farm. She then said we will make it happen, after so awesome planning on her part, she got it scheduled for today at 11 at her office.
This morning I woke up and was grateful that part of this nightmare would end today. We went in and I was scared and worried but ready to have it over. We were in the office for a little over 2 hours when it was all said and done.
Now for the healing to begin, I want to cry, scream, break things, and hug Ian all the time. I will be okay with time I won’t ever forget, but I will heal. I want to thank you my readers, twitter followers and family for support. I will need it for awhile longer and I am grateful to know you will be there.
I also want to thank those who donated to help us with the medical costs. I am to ask those that donated, what they would like me to do with the what will me left over?
Thank you all again for the love and support.

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Things I never wanted to admit

I never wanted to say that I lost a baby, but that dread came true on Friday in one of the worst experiences of my life. If that wasn’t enough of a strain on us emotionally and physically the drain it is taking on our already strained budget is causing Casey to freak out. I mean he not only has to deal with a wife who is breaking in to a million jagged pieces. Then I had to admit to him that there are moments when I look at Ian that I have overwhelming sorrow. There are so many reasons, mourning the loss of him becoming a big brother, the question of how did he get here but not this baby and many other little things. I am so lost at what to to do to make these feelings change, to help my husband cope with his loss. He tells me he is more worried about me and how I am coping. I don’t want to tell him that the coping isn’t here yet, all there is pain and anger. I want to yell and scream curse words at the top of my head and break stuff, and when I don’t like that I don’t feel anything at all. Tomorrow will be the toughest day so far we will find out how this will all proceed, I am terrified that they will say that my body failed. So during this time of need I ask that you please keep my family in your thoughts during the next few weeks, and if you could please help us with the cost of a D&C which I will most likely have to go through. The cost is overwhelming and while we have insurance we do not have the money to cover our portion of it which is still a considerable amount of money. I hate asking for money but in times of need one should reach out and hope that others will reach back. If you can donate anything my family would appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.
Please take a minute to donate:

Thank you!

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Yo Baby

How sad is it that my seven month old knows what the camera is doing, for a good chunk of the video he keeps looking at it. The camera was sitting on the widow seal with no one behind it. Please ignore me at the end, that was supposed to be a joke for my mom but I can’t figure out how to edit it out. So please enjoy.

Bissell LIttle Green

Bissell is having a giveway through Momspark.net, and I could desperatley use it. With FootFoot and Ian running around on the carpet all day new stains appear in the blink of an eye. So wish me luck, cause otherwise my carpets will stay dirty cause I can’t convinece Casey how badly we need one.

This Morning

This morning was one of those mornings you want to bottle up and have every morning like. Ian woke up at six wanting to be changed and a bottle and Casey got up with out waking me up. As soon as Ian was done he went back to bed and so Casey came back to bed and we cuddled our way back to sleep. When Ian decided it was time for the day to start at 9 am I went and got him and he had a bottle and breakfast. After he was finished we went and attacked Casey in bed. We spent the next 45 minutes as a family laying in bed playing with Ian and FootFoot. Why can’t all mornings be as relaxed and easy going?

Ms. Single Mama Uncensored

 I was lucky enough to win a copy of  Ms. Single Mama Uncensored.  I enjoyed it from the first page to the last. I have to say though I have had to read it twice to truly get the feelings that she writes about, that is because I have been going through a funk and just wasn’t really into it the first time. The second time though I couldn’t be pried away from my computer.

Alaina leaves no stone unturned in revealing the transformation she has undergone to get where she is now. She doesn’t sugar coat the hard times or the good times. I wish that her book would have been around a lot earlier in my life it would have helped me avoid some nasty siuations that I have been it. If I had the money I would give it to all my single friends.

You can purchase a copy from Ms. Single Mama, for the very resonable price of $14.95.

*This was not a paid review.

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