Making Me a Non Negotiable

I am absolutely the last person you want to take lifestyle advice from. I am not what you would consider a fully functioning adult. Heck my goal is to become a “I can manage this” adult. I know big dreams there Boblin, slow down you might hurt yourself. As I sit here writing this, I realized I have already implemented this idea in my life in a few ways the catch; there’s always a catch. My needs were tied to something I thought was more important ‘then myself; therefore I didn’t see it as taking care of me. Do I hate myself that much, that’s a conversation my therapist and I will be having. Yes, I have one; fabulous been seeing them for years. Make therapy a priority, don’t use your friends as a therapist. Let them be your friend, once I started regularly seeing a therapist all my relationships improved. Who would have thought the person trained and schooled is 100% more unbiased and maybe I am reaching here qualified to therpapize (I am making up words) you.

Back to the post at hand; turns out making take care of myself a non negotiable is something I absolutely fail at. Except medication compliance; which with someone with my goblin brain is shockingly good at. I wasn’t at first but I put it in the routine after taking care of my animals and all of them including FootFoot would get upset if I didn’t do the whole routine. I don’t know where they get these neurotic tendencies, our current furry overloads have added their own touches to the bedtime routine. I promise I will break down the whole over the top multi step bedtime routine in another post. Current residents get aggressive if we try to go to bed at the wrong time. Yes I take meds that need food; I eat a protein rich snack at bedtime. I may not be the thinnest I can be but I found a system that works (like almost a decade of success here.) so me and my bedtime snack will stay.

So I realized that if I want to become the best Boblin; I have to make Boblin a non negotiable. Over winter break (everyone else in my house had like 13 days off) I really took the time to think about how I could be better at this life bullshit.

One of the first things I realized is that if I consumed fuel for my body regularly instead of waiting until I was an angry over hungry beast. I bet it would help my mood regulate. The egg is on my face. I have eaten breakfast for the past ten days; made an effort to eat lunch regularly. And I am already seeing results. I really didn’t want all those crunchy insta moms to be right 💀, I still drink my one cup of coffee but it is after I eat now. Oh and I am giving up coffee creamer (because I left my creamer on the counter and I do this far to often. I am tired of throwing away half used containers of creamer. It isn’t for health reasons, it is because I am lazy.) I eat some variation of the same thing, will until forever. Because I hate breakfast, and the idea of making that many choices first thing in the morning is too overwhelming. I eat two pieces of toast with a spread, and something on top of it. (Example: sourdough toast {store bought, because I can barely keep myself alive. I am not adding more} cream cheese, avocado cup (I buy them in bulk at Sam’s), and a piece of chookie board meat (I literally buy one of the fancy board packs of meats separate them and freeze the ones until I need them). I am no dietitian but it is better then a cup of coffee full of coffee mate and flavored syrup. I will follow up in a bit to see how this goes but 10 days in seen enough changes to make me eat breakfast the next day. I try to drink water with my food every morning. Will I be 365/365 probably not but my goal is never go have two days in a row where I don’t eat regularly.

If you have been around me on the internet for the past decade you know I was pretty heavy into to pretty paper planning. And then 2020 happened and I just couldn’t anymore. I don’t really miss the pretty planning but I did miss aspects. So my notes app my look like a squirrel at a rave went wild but ten days in I am getting so much more done everyday. I hate how every post about getting your life together talks about planning the day the night before; because they are right 🙄. As part of the multi step process of going to bed; we break a million sleep rules by watching a show in bed. While that show is on; in my notes app. I loosely map out how I would like my day go. I also pick what I want to wear putting it in the note. The less decisions I have to make to keep moving forward turns out everything doesn’t come to a screeching halt. So I try making as many choices as I can; I know this sounds dumb. It might be; but it works for my personal hell of neurodivergence. Also have other notes of stuff I want to get done in the foreseeable future to reference.

I know the next part comes from a place of privilege because I am able to take myself and my family to all these appointments. I have not had an inpatient visit for therapy since 2020, my appt time is first thing in the morning. I usually drink my coffee and have therapy. One of my kids has an after workday appt time; so both my spouse and alternate taking them. They do better with in person but if we need to both of theirs can be Telehealth also. Everyone in my house respects the privacy of those who is in session, I know not everyone has that safety or option.

I briefly talked about this in the beginning; taking care of my mental health. This did not come naturally; I actually thought it was selfish and I was taking money away from my very tight family budget at first. 2012 a decade this coming March. I ended up inpatient when my youngest was 6 months old. So I didn’t start this journey until I was circling the drain. Now in 2023, 3/4 of are in therapy (because they ask to go; one took a long break and then this fall asked to go back). It is a line item in our budget; our insurance is through the marketplace but I did a ton of digging and therapy copay is extremely low. Our insurance premiums have risen since we got this plan in 2017; it isn’t the Land Rover of policies but our meds and mental healthcare copays are low; which is what we use the most. Sometimes there is a lot of legwork in the beginning of this journey. And if you need help and don’t have all the sporks to do it at once. Break it down; it to manageable bites. It might take a few practices to find a mental health providers to find the right fit. That is okay, sometimes staying with a care team even when you know it is a bad fit so you don’t loose access to meds is okay too. I have done it; I stayed with a provider for too long because the idea of jumping through all the hoops was too much. Sometimes just being consistent is enough, this is more for psychiatrists (if a therapist doesn’t work. Find another as soon as you can, it may take a few sessions to figure out you aren’t vibing). It may feel selfish but bettering yourself is never selfish and always worth it. I don’t do weekly therapy; I go biweekly in a perfect world. In reality between our two schedules; it averages out to one-two times a month. I have been stable enough to go to the psychiatrist once every 90 days. They have wanted to extend to once every six months but i personally don’t feel that stable yet. The hormone changes of perimenopause and pmdd are a beast to figure out. I will say we made sacrifices to make this happen; a decade ago I would’ve said oh my can skip this stuff if the budget needed tighter. It took time to realize that I am a much more pleasant person when I make my mental health a nonnegotiable. My children’s is mental is also a nonnegotiable, I want them to have the tools and be equipped for the things that this life my throw at them then I was. And if that means we don’t take fancy trips, drive newest cars; that’s okay. I had parents obsessed with what the world saw; I want my kids to love themselves and all that comes with it. I will add from 2013-2016 we had one car and my husband was active duty, it wasn’t easy but my cheerleader husband was like you deserve to live a life where you don’t hate yourself. Yes this is a lot of appointments but years ago I realized if we cancel them we are hurting ourself. This is so much easier since both my psych and therapist are Telehealth. I saw them for years in person before 2020 happened and both are completely comfortable with us staying telemedicine for now. If that changes, I will probably complain but we make the appointment as we are leaving the current appointment. As soon as it is scheduled it becomes a non negotiable time on the calendar; like cancel other plans to be at the doctor. This is probably the first thing that became nonnegotiable in my life and will remain there. My inner circle know when I am slipping here and don’t hesitate to tell me “whens the last time you went to therapy” if things are really off “I think you should probably try to get in with your psych”. This hurt when people said this at first but my circle is full of people who are TEAM BOBLIN; this took time. None of these people say this ever as a weapon or to be mean. It is always out of noticing I am a storm cloud instead of a rain cloud,

I haven’t always been good at making myself non negotiable. I really sucked at it when my kids were really small. And slowly I realized when I put my oxygen mask on myself first. It was easier to tackle what life threw at me. I wasn’t a terror to be around; because I didn’t hate everyone and everything all the time. I still dislike myself most of the time still; I am working on that. I find the rest of the world tolerable now. What can I say; I am not a rose colored glasses goblin. It may take time, there will be times where it feels like you are burdening others by taking care of yourself. I promise you are worth it (as I say to myself).

Summer 2019 Mental Health Update


There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.

Asking for Help was the Hardest

I thinking I am going to break up asking for help, the diagnosis and the stay into their own posts. The timeline might jump but I think it is what will flow most naturally for me.

Getting Help:

As a lot of you know I recently got help for what I now know is bi-polar disorder along with some postpartum psychological issues. The hardest part was making that first call; if it wasn’t for the lovely ladies of twitter and my husband I would still be in a very bad spot. I made the call and they chose to send an team out to talk to me right then at 11pm, I guess I must have sounded really bad. I didn’t know this until asking for help, if a team is coming out to asses you they send the police to make sure you are not a danger. So around 11:30 to police cruisers quietly pulled into my neighborhood, and knocked on my door. Which I rushed to hoping they wouldn’t wake up my sleeping children, I think in hindsight I am glad they slept through it all. I think it would have been much harder on all of us if they would have woken up.

This was all going on in the middle of the night. After I got to the hospital and through all the protocols it was 5 am, I had yet to sleep. I got into my room and slept through breakfast.

I will mention again asking for help is hard. If you feel as if you need it don’t be afraid to ask it is there. I will write more when I can. On an sort of disjointed note, I have already had to change meds once. The first meds were $$$, now I feel as if these second meds aren’t as effective. I know that the meds are not a fix all. I just am feeling very uneven again, to a point not to the extreme that I was. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow.

Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.

The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.

Anger and lots of it

To my family and those easily offend I curse a lot in this post. It is full of raw emotions. So Aunt Doll I love you but stop reading if you don’t want to see my pain.

This past 5 days has kicked my ass in a way it hasn’t been kicked since the end of 2002 . I seriously haven’t felt so much anger in so long, all I want to is scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. After everything that went down Friday, I also learned that we lost the baby a month ago (WHAT THE FUCK BODY!). I shouldn’t even start on my FUCKING HORRID er experience(DO NOT GO TO BAYLOR DOWNTOWN’S ER). After waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours I was ushered into a room, had an exam blood drawn and then sent to another DAMN waiting room. Where I waited for an hour for a sonogram, where I met the worlds rudest and most inept tech. he made me insert my own trans-vaginal wand(twice he said i did it wrong the first time). He was rough and short with me, when he called a Dr. in to confirm what he saw the dumbass Dr. came in and bluntly with no care or sympathy I am here to confirm he saw no heartbeat (did he sick the class on bedside manner in med school, dumbass. I feel like Red Foreman writing a blog post. After they tell me my baby is dead, they then send me back to a waiting room(I was alone during all of this they wouldn’t let Casey in the sonogram room with me, Fucking Dumbasses). I tell him the news and then find out they want me to sit there another 2-3 hrs to talk to a hospital OB, that is going to do nothing but tell me to follow up with my DR. on Monday. I said Fuck no and left AMA(Against Medical Advice). I couldn’t sit in a waiting room for another fucking large chunk of time, I wanted to go home and wake up Ian and love on him. Luckily he was with Aunt Abby and Sarah who love him dearly. We left came home I woke up my teenager in a toddler body and loved on him like I hadn’t done before.
Saturday was it’s own nightmare, I had to tell family and friends what was going on. With each new person told, I had to relive the night before in all of its fucking glory. I had to tell them we didn’t really know anything and wouldn’t until I got to see a doctor. Sunday I took some time for myself went with a friend got a pedicure and a drink (I needed it at that point). I went to bed that night thinking and praying the doctor would help me get this nightmare over.
Boy was I WRONG, Monday was its own brand of Hell and Cluster Fuck all mixed into one. Between the damn Birth Center taking its own fucking sweet time get back with the Dr.’s office I would even be seen till Tuesday. Multiply times I had told both the DR.’s office and BC that I already have depression and anxiety issues to please not draw this out (I swear sawing that made them fucking drag their feet even more). When I finally got in yesterday, after waiting over an hour in the waiting room full of pregnant women (what idiot nurse does that when you look at my chart you can see what I am going through and all the read flags of anxiety and depression issues). After making an Ass of myself they put me in a room to wait(thank goodness), finally I got see a doctor she talked with me and told me she would rather wait it out. That is when I put my foot down and said that wasn’t an option unless they want me to end up at the funny farm. She then said we will make it happen, after so awesome planning on her part, she got it scheduled for today at 11 at her office.
This morning I woke up and was grateful that part of this nightmare would end today. We went in and I was scared and worried but ready to have it over. We were in the office for a little over 2 hours when it was all said and done.
Now for the healing to begin, I want to cry, scream, break things, and hug Ian all the time. I will be okay with time I won’t ever forget, but I will heal. I want to thank you my readers, twitter followers and family for support. I will need it for awhile longer and I am grateful to know you will be there.
I also want to thank those who donated to help us with the medical costs. I am to ask those that donated, what they would like me to do with the what will me left over?
Thank you all again for the love and support.

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Things I never wanted to admit

I never wanted to say that I lost a baby, but that dread came true on Friday in one of the worst experiences of my life. If that wasn’t enough of a strain on us emotionally and physically the drain it is taking on our already strained budget is causing Casey to freak out. I mean he not only has to deal with a wife who is breaking in to a million jagged pieces. Then I had to admit to him that there are moments when I look at Ian that I have overwhelming sorrow. There are so many reasons, mourning the loss of him becoming a big brother, the question of how did he get here but not this baby and many other little things. I am so lost at what to to do to make these feelings change, to help my husband cope with his loss. He tells me he is more worried about me and how I am coping. I don’t want to tell him that the coping isn’t here yet, all there is pain and anger. I want to yell and scream curse words at the top of my head and break stuff, and when I don’t like that I don’t feel anything at all. Tomorrow will be the toughest day so far we will find out how this will all proceed, I am terrified that they will say that my body failed. So during this time of need I ask that you please keep my family in your thoughts during the next few weeks, and if you could please help us with the cost of a D&C which I will most likely have to go through. The cost is overwhelming and while we have insurance we do not have the money to cover our portion of it which is still a considerable amount of money. I hate asking for money but in times of need one should reach out and hope that others will reach back. If you can donate anything my family would appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.
Please take a minute to donate:

Thank you!

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