TRIGGER WARNING MENTAL HEALTH POST (DEATH IS TALKED ABOUT)
There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.
I thinking I am going to break up asking for help, the diagnosis and the stay into their own posts. The timeline might jump but I think it is what will flow most naturally for me.
As a lot of you know I recently got help for what I now know is bi-polar disorder along with some postpartum psychological issues. The hardest part was making that first call; if it wasn’t for the lovely ladies of twitter and my husband I would still be in a very bad spot. I made the call and they chose to send an team out to talk to me right then at 11pm, I guess I must have sounded really bad. I didn’t know this until asking for help, if a team is coming out to asses you they send the police to make sure you are not a danger. So around 11:30 to police cruisers quietly pulled into my neighborhood, and knocked on my door. Which I rushed to hoping they wouldn’t wake up my sleeping children, I think in hindsight I am glad they slept through it all. I think it would have been much harder on all of us if they would have woken up.
This was all going on in the middle of the night. After I got to the hospital and through all the protocols it was 5 am, I had yet to sleep. I got into my room and slept through breakfast.
I will mention again asking for help is hard. If you feel as if you need it don’t be afraid to ask it is there. I will write more when I can. On an sort of disjointed note, I have already had to change meds once. The first meds were $$$, now I feel as if these second meds aren’t as effective. I know that the meds are not a fix all. I just am feeling very uneven again, to a point not to the extreme that I was. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow.
If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.
I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.
The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.
There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.
To my family and those easily offend I curse a lot in this post. It is full of raw emotions. So Aunt Doll I love you but stop reading if you don’t want to see my pain.
This past 5 days has kicked my ass in a way it hasn’t been kicked since the end of 2002 . I seriously haven’t felt so much anger in so long, all I want to is scream FUCK at the top of my lungs. After everything that went down Friday, I also learned that we lost the baby a month ago (WHAT THE FUCK BODY!). I shouldn’t even start on my FUCKING HORRID er experience(DO NOT GO TO BAYLOR DOWNTOWN’S ER). After waiting in the waiting room for almost 3 hours I was ushered into a room, had an exam blood drawn and then sent to another DAMN waiting room. Where I waited for an hour for a sonogram, where I met the worlds rudest and most inept tech. he made me insert my own trans-vaginal wand(twice he said i did it wrong the first time). He was rough and short with me, when he called a Dr. in to confirm what he saw the dumbass Dr. came in and bluntly with no care or sympathy I am here to confirm he saw no heartbeat (did he sick the class on bedside manner in med school, dumbass. I feel like Red Foreman writing a blog post. After they tell me my baby is dead, they then send me back to a waiting room(I was alone during all of this they wouldn’t let Casey in the sonogram room with me, Fucking Dumbasses). I tell him the news and then find out they want me to sit there another 2-3 hrs to talk to a hospital OB, that is going to do nothing but tell me to follow up with my DR. on Monday. I said Fuck no and left AMA(Against Medical Advice). I couldn’t sit in a waiting room for another fucking large chunk of time, I wanted to go home and wake up Ian and love on him. Luckily he was with Aunt Abby and Sarah who love him dearly. We left came home I woke up my teenager in a toddler body and loved on him like I hadn’t done before.
Saturday was it’s own nightmare, I had to tell family and friends what was going on. With each new person told, I had to relive the night before in all of its fucking glory. I had to tell them we didn’t really know anything and wouldn’t until I got to see a doctor. Sunday I took some time for myself went with a friend got a pedicure and a drink (I needed it at that point). I went to bed that night thinking and praying the doctor would help me get this nightmare over.
Boy was I WRONG, Monday was its own brand of Hell and Cluster Fuck all mixed into one. Between the damn Birth Center taking its own fucking sweet time get back with the Dr.’s office I would even be seen till Tuesday. Multiply times I had told both the DR.’s office and BC that I already have depression and anxiety issues to please not draw this out (I swear sawing that made them fucking drag their feet even more). When I finally got in yesterday, after waiting over an hour in the waiting room full of pregnant women (what idiot nurse does that when you look at my chart you can see what I am going through and all the read flags of anxiety and depression issues). After making an Ass of myself they put me in a room to wait(thank goodness), finally I got see a doctor she talked with me and told me she would rather wait it out. That is when I put my foot down and said that wasn’t an option unless they want me to end up at the funny farm. She then said we will make it happen, after so awesome planning on her part, she got it scheduled for today at 11 at her office.
This morning I woke up and was grateful that part of this nightmare would end today. We went in and I was scared and worried but ready to have it over. We were in the office for a little over 2 hours when it was all said and done.
Now for the healing to begin, I want to cry, scream, break things, and hug Ian all the time. I will be okay with time I won’t ever forget, but I will heal. I want to thank you my readers, twitter followers and family for support. I will need it for awhile longer and I am grateful to know you will be there.
I also want to thank those who donated to help us with the medical costs. I am to ask those that donated, what they would like me to do with the what will me left over?
Thank you all again for the love and support.
Don’t miss any of my adventures of being a Grown up?
I never wanted to say that I lost a baby, but that dread came true on Friday in one of the worst experiences of my life. If that wasn’t enough of a strain on us emotionally and physically the drain it is taking on our already strained budget is causing Casey to freak out. I mean he not only has to deal with a wife who is breaking in to a million jagged pieces. Then I had to admit to him that there are moments when I look at Ian that I have overwhelming sorrow. There are so many reasons, mourning the loss of him becoming a big brother, the question of how did he get here but not this baby and many other little things. I am so lost at what to to do to make these feelings change, to help my husband cope with his loss. He tells me he is more worried about me and how I am coping. I don’t want to tell him that the coping isn’t here yet, all there is pain and anger. I want to yell and scream curse words at the top of my head and break stuff, and when I don’t like that I don’t feel anything at all. Tomorrow will be the toughest day so far we will find out how this will all proceed, I am terrified that they will say that my body failed. So during this time of need I ask that you please keep my family in your thoughts during the next few weeks, and if you could please help us with the cost of a D&C which I will most likely have to go through. The cost is overwhelming and while we have insurance we do not have the money to cover our portion of it which is still a considerable amount of money. I hate asking for money but in times of need one should reach out and hope that others will reach back. If you can donate anything my family would appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.
Please take a minute to donate:
Don’t miss any of my adventures of being a Grown up?