Making Me a Non Negotiable

I am absolutely the last person you want to take lifestyle advice from. I am not what you would consider a fully functioning adult. Heck my goal is to become a “I can manage this” adult. I know big dreams there Boblin, slow down you might hurt yourself. As I sit here writing this, I realized I have already implemented this idea in my life in a few ways the catch; there’s always a catch. My needs were tied to something I thought was more important ‘then myself; therefore I didn’t see it as taking care of me. Do I hate myself that much, that’s a conversation my therapist and I will be having. Yes, I have one; fabulous been seeing them for years. Make therapy a priority, don’t use your friends as a therapist. Let them be your friend, once I started regularly seeing a therapist all my relationships improved. Who would have thought the person trained and schooled is 100% more unbiased and maybe I am reaching here qualified to therpapize (I am making up words) you.

Back to the post at hand; turns out making take care of myself a non negotiable is something I absolutely fail at. Except medication compliance; which with someone with my goblin brain is shockingly good at. I wasn’t at first but I put it in the routine after taking care of my animals and all of them including FootFoot would get upset if I didn’t do the whole routine. I don’t know where they get these neurotic tendencies, our current furry overloads have added their own touches to the bedtime routine. I promise I will break down the whole over the top multi step bedtime routine in another post. Current residents get aggressive if we try to go to bed at the wrong time. Yes I take meds that need food; I eat a protein rich snack at bedtime. I may not be the thinnest I can be but I found a system that works (like almost a decade of success here.) so me and my bedtime snack will stay.

So I realized that if I want to become the best Boblin; I have to make Boblin a non negotiable. Over winter break (everyone else in my house had like 13 days off) I really took the time to think about how I could be better at this life bullshit.

One of the first things I realized is that if I consumed fuel for my body regularly instead of waiting until I was an angry over hungry beast. I bet it would help my mood regulate. The egg is on my face. I have eaten breakfast for the past ten days; made an effort to eat lunch regularly. And I am already seeing results. I really didn’t want all those crunchy insta moms to be right 💀, I still drink my one cup of coffee but it is after I eat now. Oh and I am giving up coffee creamer (because I left my creamer on the counter and I do this far to often. I am tired of throwing away half used containers of creamer. It isn’t for health reasons, it is because I am lazy.) I eat some variation of the same thing, will until forever. Because I hate breakfast, and the idea of making that many choices first thing in the morning is too overwhelming. I eat two pieces of toast with a spread, and something on top of it. (Example: sourdough toast {store bought, because I can barely keep myself alive. I am not adding more} cream cheese, avocado cup (I buy them in bulk at Sam’s), and a piece of chookie board meat (I literally buy one of the fancy board packs of meats separate them and freeze the ones until I need them). I am no dietitian but it is better then a cup of coffee full of coffee mate and flavored syrup. I will follow up in a bit to see how this goes but 10 days in seen enough changes to make me eat breakfast the next day. I try to drink water with my food every morning. Will I be 365/365 probably not but my goal is never go have two days in a row where I don’t eat regularly.

If you have been around me on the internet for the past decade you know I was pretty heavy into to pretty paper planning. And then 2020 happened and I just couldn’t anymore. I don’t really miss the pretty planning but I did miss aspects. So my notes app my look like a squirrel at a rave went wild but ten days in I am getting so much more done everyday. I hate how every post about getting your life together talks about planning the day the night before; because they are right 🙄. As part of the multi step process of going to bed; we break a million sleep rules by watching a show in bed. While that show is on; in my notes app. I loosely map out how I would like my day go. I also pick what I want to wear putting it in the note. The less decisions I have to make to keep moving forward turns out everything doesn’t come to a screeching halt. So I try making as many choices as I can; I know this sounds dumb. It might be; but it works for my personal hell of neurodivergence. Also have other notes of stuff I want to get done in the foreseeable future to reference.

I know the next part comes from a place of privilege because I am able to take myself and my family to all these appointments. I have not had an inpatient visit for therapy since 2020, my appt time is first thing in the morning. I usually drink my coffee and have therapy. One of my kids has an after workday appt time; so both my spouse and alternate taking them. They do better with in person but if we need to both of theirs can be Telehealth also. Everyone in my house respects the privacy of those who is in session, I know not everyone has that safety or option.

I briefly talked about this in the beginning; taking care of my mental health. This did not come naturally; I actually thought it was selfish and I was taking money away from my very tight family budget at first. 2012 a decade this coming March. I ended up inpatient when my youngest was 6 months old. So I didn’t start this journey until I was circling the drain. Now in 2023, 3/4 of are in therapy (because they ask to go; one took a long break and then this fall asked to go back). It is a line item in our budget; our insurance is through the marketplace but I did a ton of digging and therapy copay is extremely low. Our insurance premiums have risen since we got this plan in 2017; it isn’t the Land Rover of policies but our meds and mental healthcare copays are low; which is what we use the most. Sometimes there is a lot of legwork in the beginning of this journey. And if you need help and don’t have all the sporks to do it at once. Break it down; it to manageable bites. It might take a few practices to find a mental health providers to find the right fit. That is okay, sometimes staying with a care team even when you know it is a bad fit so you don’t loose access to meds is okay too. I have done it; I stayed with a provider for too long because the idea of jumping through all the hoops was too much. Sometimes just being consistent is enough, this is more for psychiatrists (if a therapist doesn’t work. Find another as soon as you can, it may take a few sessions to figure out you aren’t vibing). It may feel selfish but bettering yourself is never selfish and always worth it. I don’t do weekly therapy; I go biweekly in a perfect world. In reality between our two schedules; it averages out to one-two times a month. I have been stable enough to go to the psychiatrist once every 90 days. They have wanted to extend to once every six months but i personally don’t feel that stable yet. The hormone changes of perimenopause and pmdd are a beast to figure out. I will say we made sacrifices to make this happen; a decade ago I would’ve said oh my can skip this stuff if the budget needed tighter. It took time to realize that I am a much more pleasant person when I make my mental health a nonnegotiable. My children’s is mental is also a nonnegotiable, I want them to have the tools and be equipped for the things that this life my throw at them then I was. And if that means we don’t take fancy trips, drive newest cars; that’s okay. I had parents obsessed with what the world saw; I want my kids to love themselves and all that comes with it. I will add from 2013-2016 we had one car and my husband was active duty, it wasn’t easy but my cheerleader husband was like you deserve to live a life where you don’t hate yourself. Yes this is a lot of appointments but years ago I realized if we cancel them we are hurting ourself. This is so much easier since both my psych and therapist are Telehealth. I saw them for years in person before 2020 happened and both are completely comfortable with us staying telemedicine for now. If that changes, I will probably complain but we make the appointment as we are leaving the current appointment. As soon as it is scheduled it becomes a non negotiable time on the calendar; like cancel other plans to be at the doctor. This is probably the first thing that became nonnegotiable in my life and will remain there. My inner circle know when I am slipping here and don’t hesitate to tell me “whens the last time you went to therapy” if things are really off “I think you should probably try to get in with your psych”. This hurt when people said this at first but my circle is full of people who are TEAM BOBLIN; this took time. None of these people say this ever as a weapon or to be mean. It is always out of noticing I am a storm cloud instead of a rain cloud,

I haven’t always been good at making myself non negotiable. I really sucked at it when my kids were really small. And slowly I realized when I put my oxygen mask on myself first. It was easier to tackle what life threw at me. I wasn’t a terror to be around; because I didn’t hate everyone and everything all the time. I still dislike myself most of the time still; I am working on that. I find the rest of the world tolerable now. What can I say; I am not a rose colored glasses goblin. It may take time, there will be times where it feels like you are burdening others by taking care of yourself. I promise you are worth it (as I say to myself).

The Decade that Changed my Life

2022 is the year that I changed my life. I will admit that for the majority of my life I secretly wondered, if I would ever dig out of the dark cave I was in. I hope to never fully go back, do I assume I have full escaped no. That is the gift that is mental illness, it never goes away. It ebbs and flows. I feel like I can easily fall into the dark, it is comfortable in the way you know how it is gonna feel and doesn’t take a ton of maintenance. This change has been a decade in the making, don’t think I woke up one day and was like things gonna change. It has taken till recently for me to realize change comes with time and not in one choice but in a million little choices. It has been little choices to become a better me since I asked for help in March 2012. Am I a fully functioning adult to American standards; probably not even close; don’t care I am becoming whole after being merely a shadow. There have been pivotable moments in this past decade looking back; that March day in 2012, Aug 2017, all of 2018, Dec 26, 2021. Those moments are very different some heartbreaking and some so bright they were blinding. I am so grateful for the friends that have stayed for the ride; I hope you stay for a while longer. If not I promise our time together helped shape the person that is here today. This time a decade ago we were about to start our journey as a military family, I don’t look back fondly as that time as a whole. It was the start of the little changes, the military made it possible to start the deep dive into why; why I fought happiness so much. The answers were not easy; to find or accept. I faced them. Keep facing them as more come out of the dark. I am bound and determine to not let the darkness swallow me whole, like it has been my whole life. Do I know how this fight will end, no but everyday I am here that is a day I am winning. I am alive sometimes with just sheer Spite the darkness and sometimes spite alone is enough. Hopeful the next decade, I can focus my spite elsewhere.

What Now?

I seem to always come back here when my brain is full. There is a lot going on in the world right now. It is a lot for my brain to process. I am already at like a 5 for anxiety most of the time and now it is hovering around an 8/9 most days. Last week the boys were home for spring break and that has been extended a week. We were just casual last week, no real routine. I already saw the breakdown of a week of no routine. So do I do what we do in the summer? We talked about what is going on, they understand as much as they can. On the other hand, the d&d games that take places in our home have been suspended until April. So there goes my interaction with people outside of my family. I am worried how my mental health will be in two-three weeks time during an already precocious time of the year for me. Things I am doing, since I only get a limited number of rescue anxiety meds : Daily Dance Parties, Blogging (I mean It’s here might as well use it), New Make Up Looks, and I ordered a bunch of crossword puzzles. I would love to say I would read, I have so many books on my kindle. I don’t think my attention span is there right now. I do have quite a few audible books though (I could try that). I also have my comics and graphic novels. I can’t take the boys to library to get more books because it is closed (and social distancing). I know I will rely heavily on my pocket friends and I am glad they are there. I have had to make myself relax my jaw a lot the past few days and now I am having to do the same with my neck and shoulders. What are your social distancing plans? Last night I said to C, “I feel like the world’s on fire”, his response “Not on fire but warm”.

Time to Reflect

You might have noticed the silence the last week. The break started because one of my boys and I were sick. Then as we were feeling better, I decided to take a week long break. I have been working hard on all things, BadWolfBobbi since the beginning of the summer. I am not complaining, I love social media it makes me happy. I do all this because it brings me joy, I hope being open about my mental health and life will help others no they are not alone.

Life with invisible illness is lonely a lot of the time. A lot of friendships today are superficial, which get exhausting after a while. Those true friends that will talk to you about anything even during the dark times are gems. I am lucky that I have an amazing group of friends that I can celebrate the good and damn those people are there when I push everyone away and the darkness is winning. I have some bad ass besties that will beat down the wall and get me talking when I need too but don’t want too. This happens a lot, it is easy to shut down and not share how I am really feeling.

I am that annoying friend that can tell when you need an ear. I love when my friends need a friend back, because I feel like I am the taker in a lot of my friendships. I don’t want to be that way, I want to be a great friend. I want to be to my friends what they are too me. Anxiety is a fickle beast; it is always telling you aren’t good enough. Or at least mine is. It is amazing how you can be having a good day and then feel like you are floating in a pool of a thousand hand buzzers. It comes out of no where sometimes and it last for minutes to hours. It is hard to explain to people. I have no idea if any of this made sense it was just what was on my mind tonight. I hope you have a great week.

Summer 2019 Mental Health Update


There are many faces to mental health, the world and social media typically see me smiling. Most of the summer this was my true face but the last 6/7 weeks have been hard in our house. The summer started out great and it stayed great most of the way through the boys break which is a big thing for me. I struggle hard in the spring and summer. I have had the term reverse SAD brought up by a couple of doctors. I don’t know enough about it, but if it is what it seems, I would say that it is pretty true for me.

What is Coming and Where I have Been?

I don’t know if anyone noticed but I dove back into blogging last week. After basically being MIA for the last 3 years maybe longer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love blogging anymore. I do, I mean there was a post here and there. It was that I was floundering, I didn’t know where I fit into the blogging world anymore and what I want my blog to be. Believe it are not there was a 6 month period in there where I thought I would let my domains go and just have my archives. Then I was like that isn’t what I want. I enjoy writing, I enjoy sharing MY life (more on that later) and things that make it easier. I knew that I couldn’t be a Mommy Blog anymore, which is what this blog started out as. Does anyone remember “When did I go from a Kid to a Grown Up?”, my blog’s original title. I started it when Ian was 2 months old. I doubt my boys want a full blog dedicated to them and their lives? When I realized I wasn’t comfortable with that genre anymore that is where I started to flounder. I mean I am not out here to get rich from my writing. What do I want to write about, I blogged for 5 years before this blog, sadly those archives aren’t here and I don’t think I could find them even if I wanted too. Mostly the ramblings of a manic college student (not joking spent most of late teens and early 20’s manic). So none of us are missing anything.

Now what is coming to BadWolfBobbi, now that I am no longer a mommy blog. There might be parent post, like a back to school prep post or stuff like that but nothing super invasive about my boys lives. More post about me and my life; my struggle with my mental health, being awkward, geek, and all that jazz. More lifestyle post; more hacks that I have found to work for me, how I overcame the messy house past, and more mumbo jumbo. And most exciting for me is the on going series about TootToot and Siobhan, that is written by Micheal who plays Siobhan. I contribute but the overall idea and writing is his. We have played these characters for two years, they are best friends. The series starts after they split from their party to return somewhere to handle some business. More will be revealed.

A brief catch up with me; we purchased our first home in 2018 (exciting). I recently started therapy for the first time since leaving Colorado. Lost my mom in August of 2017. We lost FootFoot in May 2017. We went on our first vacation as a couple and family vacations. Celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary; 14 years together. Dude that is almost a quarter of my life, he is amazing to put up with me. We got a cat, his name is Bra’tac; he is our furry overlord. We hope we serve him well. Was hospitalized in April 2017, and the months after that until October 2017 were hell. Since October 2017 and a new medication cocktail; my mental health has been the best overall it has ever been in my life. Please don’t think it has been perfect there are still tough times, but they are shorter and farther apart. I quit Facebook (we already talked about that). With no plans to return, it has been over two weeks and it has been great. I got a new to me car that isn’t a late model and is going to last more then a year or two. With that came our first car payment in 4 years, ouch (haha). I have traveled a bit by myself, there is something about taking adventures if you can. I have began to accept myself a little more. I am a work in progress. I am excited to see what this new path for me on BadWolfBobbi holds, I hope you come along.

Help is available

If you follow me on twitter you know that I recently sought help for some mental health issues. The help ended with a stay in the mental health hospital, I am not going to lie it wasn’t all puppies and rainbows. It was help I needed and help I am glad that I got. There is help out there, I am writing this post to help share some of the resources out there.

I wouldn’t have even known where to start with out the amazing ladies of #PPDCHAT hashtag on twitter, ran/founded by the amazing Lauren she also owns My Postpartum Voice. Thanks to her and the other ladies, I was led to the other resources that helped me.

Resource #1
I don’t know about other states but in the state of Texas, each county has a MHMR. I am pretty sure this is the statewide 24 hour crisis number they ask your location when you call.

The National Suicide Hotline this number is also 24hours a day.

There are many more resources that I don’t know of and don’t list here. If you know of more and would like to add them to the comments please feel free. I am lucky that these resources were there for me and I want to share so that I can help at least one person.

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